Dear Lisa,

Disgruntled NYC Commuter

***

Dear Disgruntled,

Let me begin by commending you on your courage to ask for help. I am not a commuting expert. In fact, I no longer commute in any capacity, but I can imagine what commuting is like and, therefore, I think I can help you. Here’s a list of options that would help alleviate your morning commute.

• Quit your job
• Take a cab
• Move to the country
• Move out of the country (apparently you have already considered this)
• Carpool
• Telecommute
• Offer fellow commuters large quantities of cash to take the next train
• Ask Donald Trump to send you a limo

You might have noticed that easing the commuting condition often requires large sums of money or a close relationship to someone with large sums of money. If you do not have that kind of cash or proximity to cash, I suggest you check out one of the following books:

• How to Get Rich
• The Road to Wealth
• The One Minute Millionaire

Don’t believe everything you read. You can’t become a millionaire in one minute. Because, if you could, I would have done it already and I didn’t. So, let’s tackle your problem from a different angle, while you simultaneous amass some wealth. This, I call a two-pronged approach.

I have been ‘flat tired’ many a time in my life and I don’t like it one bit. However, in my case they have always been ‘friendly flats’ from somebody I’ve know. Think about this: It is virtually impossible to ‘flat tire’ someone wearing boots. And there are few fashion statements as powerful as ‘I’m flat tire proof.’ When the barometer drops, you’ll be thanking me.

As for taking the freight elevator to avoid your new nemesis, I’m all for mixing up your routine. But sometimes the freight elevator is for freight and you might have to go back to the regular elevator. My point is, one day you might have to confront the enemy and when you do, you have only three options:

• Make friends
• Pretend you are a German tourist
• Declare war

I only recommend the first two, but it’s your footwear.

As for your opening statement, I’m not clear when your life was ever in danger. Disgruntled, hyperbole never did anybody any good. Take a deep breath, relax. What does it matter in the end if a woman you don’t know and most likely will never know thinks you’re evil personified. You can’t control the actions of others; we’ve learned that from our latest election. Please don’t leave the country for good. Then we’ll just be stuck with lousy commuters and tons of flat tires. Stick around for the fight.

Best wishes and happy commuting,

Lisa

Please forgive my recent neglect. Here’s a triple Ask Lutz to make it up to you.

Dear Lisa,

P.S. Where I wrote "If your professional opinion…" I meant to write of course "your unprofessional opinion." I suppose it just shows I’m a journalist that I require copyediting.

***

Dear Busy Bee,

You’re testing my patience. As you later clarified, it is my “unprofessional” opinion that you are after. However, seeking my advice is most appropriate when a) experts on the subject are extremely rare b) experts are an expensive luxury item (i.e. pet psychics, etc.) c) experts do not exist d) experts are on an extended vacation and unavailable or, most importantly, e) the issue is of little consequence and therefore locating a real expert is unnecessary.

As someone in the “information industry” you must be aware that there are professional individuals called CPA’s (Certified Public Accountants) who are licensed and offer tax advice and preparation in exchange for currency. If you feel that a private accountant would be too expensive, you should consider consulting one the numerous low-cost tax preparation services that a journalist, so familiar with the web like yourself, should be able to locate on his/her own time without my help.

I welcome solicitations for advice, but not from some lazy freelance journalist in the “information industry” looking to save a few bucks or a few hours. I like to help people who can’t help themselves. I don’t like to waste my time, because you don’t want to waste yours.

Here’s my advice to you: Don’t mess with the IRS.
Best Wishes,

Lisa
—————————————————————

Dear Lutz,

Crazy Expert On Cats’ Beverage Consumption*

***

Dear Crazy,

Thank you for your delightful letter and your most polite expression of your concern. I welcome criticism and comments. You have kindly provided my second ever letter of complaint in the history of Ask Lutz. The first was from my friend Morgan who mentioned that my comment on the Oxford English Dictionary being an inappropriate wedding gift was wrong and that many people would very much enjoy receiving the OED as a wedding present. However, I should point out that one should only give the OED to friends who like looking up words in dictionaries. Otherwise, I don’t think it will go over so well.

You sure seem to understand the workings of a cat’s mind. I’ve never heard about this whole depth perception thing and, frankly, I’ve decided to take your word on it. It does seem funny though that everyone I know who has a cat, uses a plain old bowl on the floor and none of their cats seem particularly dehydrated to me. I could be wrong. Perhaps that is the explanation for their dry, rough tongues. As I said before: I am not a veterinarian or an expert in any way on cats. You, being what appears to be an expert, have mentioned a some alternatives for a dehydrated cat that I encourage my readers to consider. I do hope that these are serious suggestions and not simply weak attempts at peddling your side business of kitty fountains and colored cat bowls.

I too hope that I am not proximately responsible for a dehydrated, sick or dead cat. I’d like to point out that I posted this column in April of 2002. You sure took your time passing on this life or death information to me. If we got a dehydrated (or worse) cat on our hands, let it be on your head too.

Please, please write again if you would like to toss some more guilt around.

Best wishes,

Lisa

*If you don’t use a sign off name, I provide one for you.

———————————————————

Dear Lisa,

Sore Heels

***

Dear Heels,

Let’s face it: Life’s rough. Your kid’s gonna learn it sooner or later. He might have a cat’s death on his conscience or one day file a shoddy tax return and end up in a federal prison. With all the doom and gloom that’s bound to come, what’s a blister? Really? Life’s full of blisters and maybe it’s best to let him suffer some pain and build up a callous or two.

Unfortunately, you didn’t tell me your son’s age and, therefore, I’m uncomfortable selling the callous idea without that knowledge. I mean, how callous would I be if I were to suggest you let your toddler’s feet bleed. Obviously, I don’t want young children running around in footwear agony. Even if they are fashionably attired in suede bucks. But let’s say your son is 13, or 19, maybe he’s 35 and returning to college. Then I would promote the ‘forget about your son’s blister’ idea. He must learn to deal as do you.

That said, I believe I would be remiss if I were not to offer some sound blister advice. As always, I must mention that I am not a podiatrist nor am I an expert on feet or foot problems. If a blister does not already exist in the area, but you’re dealing with new shoes that have blister potential, you have a number of options. 1. Double up on socks—that usually cuts down on the chafing. 2. Try moleskin on the potentially problem area. Make sure that you cut out a piece wide enough to avoid slippage from the rubbing of the shoes, and never place moleskin directly on damaged skin. 3. Rub Vaseline on the area of the foot that is blister prone, then put on the sock. Never do this the other way around. 4. Break-in shoes incrementally. Take them off right when you feel the pinch. Do not let the blister begin to form. 5. Don’t wear shoes. (Unfortunately, this can be a problem in most restaurants and schools.) I feel obligated to go on record saying that I don’t think your son should miss school because he has blisters.

As always, please complain if you have a problem with my advice.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Tongue-Tired

***

Dear Tongue-Tired,

Thank you for your fine, thoughtful question. The shoe string (or lace, as we call it today) was invented in England in 1790. Until then shoes were fastened with buckles. The lace, however, could provide a more custom fit and eventually became the securing device of choice for footwear. But when you have shoe laces, invariably you have shoe tongues and that, dear reader, is your problem. And as far as I can tell it is your problem alone. Lucky for you, here at Ask Lutz, we believe that no problem is too big or too small. Actually, there may be problems too big for Ask Lutz, but not too small. What I’m saying is that I’m here to help.

As I see it, the issue at hand is essentially shoe tongue waywardness. Immediately after I received your letter, I called a number of shoe stores, cobblers, and friends whom I know to wears shoes on occasion. I asked each person I spoke to if he or she ever encountered shoe tongue slippage. I received a number of responses:

-No, but I get blisters.
-Why are you asking?
-My sock bunches up.
-Why are you calling this late?
-Oh, I just got new shoes.

Let me take a minute to speak my mind. When someone asks you a question, the polite thing to do is answer the question. You don’t respond to the question with a question or answer a question that was not asked or offer information that was not elicited. It’s really quite simple. Question, then answer.

So, Tongue-Tired, as you may have gathered, my sources were useless. Instead, I relied on my own skills of deduction and observation. Your tongue slippage might be due to the fact that you walk funny. Since I don’t know you, I can’t make that determination myself. I can only suggest that you check your stride and see if something is amiss. You might consider studying the way normal people walk and then try to walk like them.

While your primary issue with tongue slippage is the discomfort, your secondary concern is that it “exposes sock.” This concern is intriguing and we must explore its origin. Ask yourself “What am I feeling when I see that exposed sock?” Is it fear? Disgust? Shock? Love? Awe? Embarrassment? If it’s embarrassment, you might simply want to stop wearing white socks with dress shoes. The shock of the bleached 100% cotton sweat sock against the brown or black leather (or naugahyde) can and should be unsettling. If you are wearing the appropriate sock, then I think this issue is far too complicated to resolve in one session. You’ll simply have to write back and we’ll explore the sock exposure in more depth.

But I think we’ve made some progress, Tongue-Tired, and I do hope I have been some comfort to you in this matter. Let me finish by saying, there is no shame in wearing a loafer.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Dear Readers,

While I am not an expert on weddings and anniversaries, some people think I am. Please enjoy a double dose of Ask Lutz, on the house.

Sincerely,

Lisa

——————————————————

Dear Lisa,

Mind Boggled in Missouri

***

Dear Mind Boggled,

Thank you for your fine question. If you ask me (which you are), the deed to a footstool is better than some crummy old stationery. But I’m not sure what kind of deeds and what kind of stationery we’re talking about. If you’re talking the deed to a house, go with that. The deed to a boat or a truck or a canoe, go with that. I’d estimate that the scales will be tipped once we go down to, say, the deed to a tree. Let’s say the option is between a deed to a tree or stationery. Hmm. Maybe your husband really likes stationery. A man, with a fetishistic obsession with fine letterhead, would most certainly prefer an elegant and subtlely monogrammed set of note cards and envelopes to the deed to a tree. But if your husband doesn’t write letters and doesn’t, in general, show an unusual affection for office products, then I suggest going with the deed so long as it is a deed to something. An antique deed (translation: really old piece of paper that you might stick in a frame) that is useless these days or would require a lengthy court battle to become useful does not sound like a great gift. But that’s me. Your husband may like old and useless pieces of paper. I don’t know him, so I can’t answer that question. I let you be the judge.

On a parting note, let me remind you of another item that is made out of paper: money.

I hope I have been some help to you, Boggled. If not, please send a letter of complaint.

Best Wishes and Happy Anniversary,

Lisa

——————————————————

Dear Lisa,

Etiquette Obsessed, Procrastinating Bride

***

Dear Etiquette Obsessed,

I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of giving you a sign-off name, since you used your own. Ask Lutz is all about anonymity, so even if you write to me using your real name, I’ll give you a fake one when I post. ‘Etiquette Obsessed, Procrastinating Bride’ seemed to fit. In fact, maybe I should put ‘procrastinating’ first, because I think that’s your biggest problem.

What are you doing writing long letters to me when you’ve got a wedding to plan?!!!!

Here’s my answer to your question: Who cares who is right? You got stuff to do, people to meet, in-laws to placate, negotiations to make, and dresses to fit. People who are trying to get pregnant often don’t like to talk about it for various reasons. Many women don’t even announce they’re pregnant until they’re at least three months along. That said, your bridesmaid should have come up with a plan so that she wouldn’t hold up the fittings for the other bridesmaids, but she was not required to tell you that she was trying to get knocked up.

If she were aware of the inconvenience that her delay caused and did nothing to alleviate the situation, then I must consider her contrite and rude. It is really quite simple: If bridesmaid does not know whether she will be pregnant or not during wedding, she must either buy two dresses or buy one big dress and have it altered on her own closer to the date. If this situation has not already been resolved, you should feel confident instructing bridesmaid in the above manner.

That said, stop procrastinating, Obsessed, and get back to your planning.

Best Wishes and Congratulations,

Lisa

Now Very Nervous in Noe Valley
(formerly Concerned in the Castro)

***

Dear Nervous,

Yes, I remember you. While I’ve got nothing against repeat business, I think I should remind you not to abuse the free services of Ask Lutz. In fact, should I hear from you again, expect a bill along with your advice.

So, you live in San Francisco. That’s a great city. A city that provides an endless supply of leisure activities such as museums and art galleries, restaurants and bars, movie theatres, nightclubs, and even beaches and parks. Do you know what all these things have in common? You’ll rarely find a cat in any of them. Do you get my drift? What I’m saying is, GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND GET AWAY FROM YOUR CAT.

Now let me address this preposterous evil twin theory: Your cat does NOT have an evil twin and it would be in your best interest to keep theories like that to yourself. I do, however, think it’s possible that you have two cats and simply forgot about one of them, because I firmly believe your lack the mental stability to count properly. Perhaps when you acquired your cat, a two for one deal was on the table and you couldn’t pass up the bargain. This is merely speculation. I can’t say for sure. If you would like to pay for my flight to San Francisco and put me up in a four star hotel for the night, I’d be more than happy to count your cats for you and to put this matter to rest once and for all.

Forget about the parallel universe. Really. Here’s the thing: If a parallel universe theory were responsible for a cat’s evil twin, then most likely you too would have an evil twin—a most unpleasant idea. I can just see the Ask Lutz mailbox overflowing with cat problems: My cat keeps stealing the sports section. What to do?; How can I get my cat to start flossing regularly?; What should I do when my cat’s check bounces? I would like to reiterate that I am not an expert on cats. Plus, I am not, nor have I ever been, a veterinarian.

Nervous, I would like to encourage you to stop playing with cat toys, develop more interests in non-cat related activities, and consider skipping the Matrix sequel when it finally comes to theatres. While the film is garnering rave reviews, I fear it’s putting too many ideas into your head. Pay your taxes and the government will leave you alone, please DON’T mention this to your family—it will only be received as a cry for help. And, what children are you talking about? The last question was rhetorical. Feel no need to respond.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Unworthy of a Mortgage

***

Dear Unworthy,

Thank you for your fine question. You came to the right place. Of course, I am not an expert on home purchasing, credit issues, or finance in general. But I do have a cousin who is and I figure that’s almost as good. According to my cousin Dan, if a house or condo is in your future, the first thing to do is pull your credit reports from all three agencies.

You have admitted to having bad credit, so I would not be insulting you by reminding you of that fact. For the record, bad credit isn’t like having an allergy or an unsightly mole. Bad credit is an unfortunate condition that you did something to create. My first piece of advice would be stop blaming Citibank Visa and Discover Card for your problems. Do you blame the dentist for your cavities? There could be many reasons for your bad credit:

1. Late payments
2. Too many credit cards
3. High balances or high credit ratio (balance to available credit)
4. Failure to pay a bill
5. Too many inquiries on your credit
6. Bankruptcy

Dan says, when you get your credit report, first make sure there are not any mistakes. If you see a mistake, call the agency and tell them that they have to remove the mistake from your report. I say, you should also mention to them that they should stop making mistakes if they want to stay in business.

Next, you have to improve your credit by paying off your high balances and making your payments on time. If you have trouble doing things on time, you might consider hiring an assistant to serve that purpose. Of course, that money would probably be better served as savings for your down payment. Instead, why don’t you ask your mom if she would mind calling you up every month to remind you to make your credit card payments? My experience with moms, in general, is that they wouldn’t mind the excuse to regularly call their offspring to remind offspring that they’re not doing something that they should be doing.

In a nutshell, my cousin Dan is saying that you need three things to buy a house:

1. Money
2. A house
3. Common Sense

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it doesn’t sound to me like you have any of these things. Therefore, for the time being I would put the house hunting on hold. Pull yourself out of the gutter (financially speaking): Pay off your debts, start a consistent savings plan and maybe a home will be in your distant future. I would love to offer you a free consultation with my financial consultant relative. But while Ask Lutz is a non-profit organization, my cousin Dan is not.

I recently saw a Sallie Mae commercial on this very topic. In the commercial, a very responsible looking woman passes by a shoe store and sees a pair of bright red pumps that she wants to buy. The woman pulls out her wallet, contemplating the purchase, and continues down the street. Right next to the shoe store just happens to be a real estate office with pictures of house listings taped to the window. The responsible looking woman begins eyeing the houses. Next, we cut to a close up of her wallet as she places it back inside her purse. Presumably, our responsible looking woman has decided to purchase a house, instead of the shoes. There is one major flaw with this commercial: A house costs a whole lot more than a pair of shoes.

Clearly, home buying is on the minds of millions of Americans with the recent plummeting of interest rates. However, just because millions of Americans are buying homes, doesn’t mean you have to. If millions of Americans were jumping off bridges, would you?

I hope I have been some help to you, dear reader. If not, please write a letter of complaint.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Dear friends and readers,

This month is the first year Anniversary of Ask Lutz. According to the wedding anniversary gift list of the Chicago Public Library, the appropriate gift would be paper or a clock.

I wish to thank you all for your support and questions throughout the year.

A special thanks goes to Biz Stone, Genius for the new site design (nice, huh?), my much appreciated home at Genius Labs, and for all of his help, information, and patience throughout the year. Ask Lutz couldn’t have made it without you.

In honor of this joyous occasion, let’s revisit the very first Ask Lutz column….

BEFUDDLED IN ROCKPORT

Dear Lisa,

~Befuddled in Rockport

***

Dear Befuddled,

First let me thank you for the question and for your fine usage of the word ‘betrothed’, which gets so little play nowadays. I have been to more than one wedding (approximately 3*) and am quite happy to share my wealth of knowledge with you.

Most people, when they decide to marry in a place other than Vegas, will register at various stores and choose specific items that they want/need, ultimately depriving their guests/gift givers of their free will. Yes, you do have a choice among the items that they have chosen. But occasionally, if you wait until the last minute, you’re left with the option of a ceramic giraffe or two forks. Therefore, if you do choose the registry route, I highly recommend starting early.

Of course, you can always ask the couple what they desire most and I have seen home-made wedding gifts given and go over quite well. But here’s a little hint: If you start working on a home made gift now, your deadline is one year AFTER the wedding date—this is no lie. Therefore, you have a year and half to complete your spectacular, home-made gift. But remember, expectations rise the longer you take. You must first ask yourself: Can I handle the pressure?

Although I know an awful lot about wedding etiquette, I must say that the thing I know the best is what one should NOT get the happy couple on their wedding day. What follows is a brief list for quick/easy reference:

Puppies
Lingerie (okay for Wedding Showers, however)
Sportswear
Pound Cake
Malt Liquor
Tuesdays with Morrie
and
The Oxford English Dictionary**

I hope I have been helpful, Befuddled. Please, Ask Lutz again, should you have any other problems or concerns.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

*Now 4!
**My friend Morgan says the dictionary would make a fine gift.

Stupid in Cheviot

***

Dear Stupid,

First off, anyone smart enough to write to me, cannot be called stupid. So I must insist on changing your name, at least for purposes of this column. Logic has told me that you are female and I happen to like the name Eloise, so that’s what I’ll call you. Please don’t write back to me and tell me that you want a different name, because I only plan on using it this once. If you write again with an entirely new problem and choose a completely different name, then I’ll go with that one. But it is my column and I reserve the right to change names when I feel like it. With that said, let’s get to your problem, Eloise.

It is not clear to me that there is a problem. You say you’ve been married to the same guy for 39 years. I say well done. But you said, “I need help.” That would indicate to me that you need help. And me, I’m all about help, so I would be remiss in my duties if I were to ignore your cries for assistance. I see two potential problems here: your children moving away and your rather lengthy marriage. I’m assuming you would like your kids to move home. Have you considered offering them a substantial amount of money? One of the many great lessons I’ve learned in life is that everyone has a price. You could also proffer large gifts, such as condominiums or automobiles. But like any sizeable purchase, I must insist you thoroughly research your price options. It’s so easy to get ripped off these days.

Unfortunately one of the drawbacks of solid parenting is that you raise children who grow up to be self-sufficient and get good jobs that prevent them from skipping town at a moment’s notice. The sad fact is that if you raised a slacker (and believe me: nothing against the slackers), a free plane trip and a few square meals might provide the only lure you need. So if you can’t seem to bring your kids back, or you lack the funds to do so, at least you can feel the satisfaction of a job well done.

As for the husband of 39 years: That is a long time. Having never been married, I cannot call myself an expert on the subject. But I’m always up for finding positive takes on a difficult or not so difficult situation. I did a bit of research to find out what kind of wedding anniversary gifts might be in your future. If you can handle another year of marriage, your husband has to get you a ruby. Number 41 will bring you land; No. 42 improved real estate; for your 43rd anniversary, you will travel the world. Although you might want to skip out before No. 44, because all you’ll get that year are groceries. No. 45 might make up for it with that sapphire you’re supposed to receive. But you better enjoy that sapphire, because in the four years after that, all you’ll get is an original poetry tribute (sounds potentially unpleasant), some paperbacks, a pair of sunglasses and maybe a radio. However, if you hang on for 50 years, it’s pay dirt. Traditionally, gold is compulsory, but I know for a fact—although I can’t find a website link that supports this information—that for your 50th anniversary, above referenced children will be obligated to fly into town and throw you and your husband a big, expensive anniversary bash.

I have often heard that marriage can be difficult, but if you’ve already invested 39 years, why not stick around another 11 and win the bingo game? Who cares if you like jewelry or not? You can always hock your valuables to fund the bribes you offer to your children. And in case you’re curious, after anniversary No. 55, it’s diamond city.

Eloise, I hope I have been some help to you. If you or anyone else takes issue with my wedding anniversary gift list, please take it up with the librarians at the Chicago Public Library.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Style Seeker

***

Dear Style Seeker,

I’d like to thank you for your fine question. Many of us struggle with fashion and need guidance and support in making sartorial decisions. Unfortunately, I am not an expert on the subject. I do, however, have expert common sense and will do my best to help you in this matter.

First of all, keep in mind that a lot of people who wear nice clothes, and have limited funds, shoplift regularly. In good conscience, I cannot recommend that you do that.

Since my own knowledge on this topic is limited, I found myself asking for advice this time. I questioned my friend Dave (who happens to have recently spent $500 on new clothes) on the subject, but I became distracted by his use of the word ‘mack’ to describe his friend’s wardrobe and couldn’t follow the point he was trying to make.

Then I smartened up and consulted my friend Carol who happens to be a fashion designer. You can check out Carol’s clothes by visiting [UN]DESIGNED. This is what Carol had to say:

"Since I’ve been in the same situation (am in the same situation!), I know where she/he’s coming from. From experience, I say don’t settle–buy ONLY things that you LOVE and make sure they’re NOT on sale, or you will end up with a closet full of crap. Even if you pay full price for something, you’ll ultimately get more wear out of it because it’s valued more and fits well."

Correct me if I’m wrong, but what Carol is saying is that you are too cheap and too impatient. Therefore, cheapness and impatience are the real issues we must address. But since frugality often results in having a better retirement fund, I’m not sure I’m comfortable instructing you to alter your ways on this issue. It is important to me that you enjoy your golden years.

They say that patience is a virtue. I would agree with that, for the most part. But occasionally a really patient person just seems sedated. The point is, as with anything, moderation is key. I have taken the liberty of coming up with a few exercises you could do to help improve your patience:

Go to the DMV, wait in line and when your turn is up, say, “Oops, I changed my mind,” and leave.

Call up your great aunt Ida (or another garrulous relative) and ask her how her sciatica is treating her.

Drive in rush hour traffic for no reason at all (the catch: you can’t swear).

Tape every episode of the Sopranos, but don’t watch them until the season is over.

Stare at a pine nut for a whole hour.

Move back in with your parents—if your patience doesn’t improve, at least the money you save on rent can go for a new ‘mack’ wardrobe.

The most important thing to remember, Style Seeker, is that a deal’s not a deal if you didn’t want it in the first place. I hope I have been some help to you in this matter. Please write a letter of complaint if I have not, in fact, been helpful.

Best wishes,

Lisa

Bothered Bride

***

Dear Bothered,

Wow. You think ahead. The mere fact that you warned your bridesmaids ahead of time that they would be cut from the team if they got themselves knocked up gets you off the hook in the etiquette department. Actions have consequences. If you rob a bank, you go to jail. If you drink 12 shots of even the best bourbon, you’ll get a hangover. If you buy a dog, you have to walk it and feed it. If you buy a ferret, you must bathe it every three to four weeks. So everybody knows that if you get pregnant, you can’t be a bridesmaid. Did it ever occur to you that your friend got pregnant so that she wouldn’t have to be? The first thing you should do, Bothered, is talk to Pregnant Bridesmaid and see where she stands on the issue.

But the fact is, if it were not for your father, Pregnant Bridesmaid would still be on the team. Am I right? Here are a few solutions to this situation that you may not have considered:

Is it absolutely necessary that your father attend the wedding? Just a thought. If it is imperative, why on earth does he have to know that Pregnant Bridesmaid is in fact pregnant? Honesty isn’t always the best policy. I don’t know what idiot came up with that one. Even if bridesmaid is 8 months pregnant, simply insist that no one own up to that fact. If he should ask, “Isn’t that Kimmy unmarried and pregnant?” Ask him what on earth he’s talking about and suggest he take a nap. The lie won’t hurt anyone and the nap might do him wonders.

Another thought: I could call your dad and go over some of the changes that modern society brings. Seriously, I’d be happy to. Sounds to me like he’s out of the loop and maybe just needs a refresher course. In fact, this letter has prompted me to begin preparations on my own two-day seminar for dads who have lost touch with reality. I’m still working on the official title, but it will cost $250 a head with a special rate for groups of 10 or more.

If you would prefer that I not speak to your father and my seminar doesn’t come in time, then you yourself must sit your father down and explain to him that there are far worse things than a pregnant bridesmaid. I’ve come up with a list for you since I know you’re busy planning your wedding and everything.

Things Worse Than a Pregnant Bridesmaid

1. Sloppy drunk bridesmaid
2. Bridesmaid with a chip on her shoulder and hot temper.
3. Bridesmaid secretly in love with the groom.
4. Pregnant bridesmaid secretly in love with the groom.
5. Bridesmaid wanted for armed robbery.

(A longer list can be provided upon request.)

I hope I have been some help to you, Bothered. If not, please Ask Lutz again.

Best wishes and happy wedding,

Lisa

Matchmaker?

***

Dear Matchmaker,

You are certainly a thoughtful daughter. To begin, please have your mom check out my recent advice to Mousy in Massachusetts. Let’s be frank: A woman with the self-confidence of a George Foreman would pretty hard to resist.

Lately, whenever I ask couples how they met, most of them say they met either on the Internet or through personal ads. Sure, it is not the most romantic approach. In a perfect world we would all meet our future mates at the Car Wash. But life isn’t perfect and sometimes you have to improvise. The fact is, I know of at least a handful of marriages resulting from people who met through a less orthodox, but more direct approach. Depending on where your mother lives, she could check out the local paper or Craig’s List seems to have a solid personal connection section. Your mother might resist at first. Simply ignore her. It’s hard for anyone to get used to the idea of describing themselves in 20 words or less and then filtering through 100 replies (98% psychotic) to simply go out to dinner with someone.

To make this easy on both of you, I suggest you—daughter—check out some local personal ad listings yourself. From what I can tell, more men are willing to place ads than woman and so you should have plenty to choose from. As much as I like to be helpful, I’m afraid that I am unavailable to personally interrogate all of your mother’s potential suitors. I have, however, been kind enough to come up with a quiz to help you anticipate potential bad dates.

Are you okay enough to date my mom quiz.

1. My preferred morning beverage is:

a) a strong cup of coffee (0 pts.)
if he calls it Joe (2 pts.)
b) herbal tea with a slice of lemon (5 pts.)
c) whisky with a beer back (10 pts.)
d) a warm cup of Bovril (15 pts.)

2. The thing I look for most in a woman is:

a) highlighted hair (5 pts.)
b) a nice caboose (3 pts.)
c) a sense of humor (0 pts.)
d) a warm personality (0 pt.)
e) the ability to do dishes (10 pts.)

3. Have you ever tried removing your socks, while still wearing shoes?

a) Yes (10 pts.)
b) No (0 pts.)
c) I’ve thought about it, but never attempted (5 pts.)

4. I brush my teeth . . .

a) 2x a day (0 pts.)
b) after every meal (1 pt.)
c) on a weekly basis (20 pts.)
d) No, I send them out (15 pts.)

5. Complete this sentence: I hate ___________

a) puppies (10 pts.)
b) kittens (10 pts.)
c) Fabio (5 pts.)
d) Joey Ramone (25 pts.)
e) Kermit the frog (15 pts.)

Total the potential suitor’s score and reference the following key:

0-10 pts. – can probably date your mom without incident.
10-20 pts. – should not date your mom, unless you accompany her on date.
20+ should not date your mom . . . ever.

Matchmaker, I hope my quiz and I have been some help to you. Good luck to you and your mom. And remember, should you need any other quizzes in the future, don’t hesitate to Ask Lutz.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

*Please provide quiz to potential suitors without scoring key, because some people like to cheat.

Snooped

***

Dear Snooped,

There are plenty of things that I know nothing about, but etiquette is not one of them. Not to sound arrogant, but I am something of an expert on the subject. In fact, I have often dreamt of starting my own finishing school. But that’s many years away. One thing I can say for sure: an etiquette book is in my future. And when I write it, please make sure you give a copy to your boyfriend’s sister, because that woman needs a crash course in common courtesy.

You have a serious problem, indeed. I won’t go into great detail about the ethical issues at hand. I think we can all agree that sifting through someone’s emails, letters, drawers, closets, pockets, or purses without the owner’s permission, is wrong. Plain wrong. If you go through someone’s house without them knowing about it, that’s a felony. So, in a perfect world, going through someone’s computer without their permission is a misdemeanor, punishable by a $500 fine or thirty days in the county jail. People have the right to keep things to themselves. People have a right to their secrets even if there is nothing to be secret about. So, snooped, I feel for you. But sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves isn’t going to solve the problem. We need to nip this snooping in the bud.

I have come up with varying strategies to correct your problem. Feel free to use one, two, or all my suggestions–if you’re ready to go all out. Since the particular issue you speak of was computer related, I’m focusing primarily on that specific kind of privacy invasion. Let’s start off with some basic behavioral modification techniques. The idea is to make boyfriend’s sister not enjoy using your computer, so that she a) stays the hell away from it or b) keeps her usage of it limited to non-snooping activities.

Here’s what you must do. Buy another mouse, so that you have two mouses. The regular one that you use every day, we’ll call Jimmy. Your other mouse—mouse for boyfriend’s sister—we’ll call it Hank. I think I’d like to come up with a name for boyfriend’s sister—how about Lucy?

When Lucy comes to visit, you want to exchange Jimmy for Hank and you want to dip Hank into a sticky substance. Then when Lucy uses the mouse, she’ll get something sticky on her hand and won’t like it one bit. I would stay away from any crazy glue, rubber cement related item—those are toxic and we don’t want Lucy to end up in the hospital because then no matter what happens, you will be wrong and you’re not wrong. I suggest dipping Hank in some kind of fruit juice. Stay away from the pulpy kind and it would be best if it weren’t visible. Pineapple juice might work, but that new white cranberry juice that they’re making seems perfect for the job.

I understand that this is a very low-tech technique, but I still believe it can be effective. If you are an electrical genius, then perhaps you can rig some device so that when a person other than yourself goes into your email, they get a low voltage shock. Something on the level of static electricity, which is benign, but unpleasant. If you do use the shock method, I urge you to be very careful and thoroughly test your mechanism.

Or you could try a few basic mind games. Psychological warfare, if you will. You say Lucy was reading messages you had recently sent. Okay, next time Lucy checks her email on your computer, make sure you got some juicy sent messages. I suggest you open up some hotmail accounts in the names of famous individuals–dead or alive, preferably missing–and then send them random emails and make sure that they are in plain view. I’m assuming you have a day job, so to save you time, I have taken the liberty of drafting a few messages that you’re free to use.

To: “Elvis Presley”
From: “your name”

Thanks for the scarf. It’s summer now, but I’ll wear it in Winter. Great concert last week. You look good. Have you been working out?

Love Ya, Babe

———————————————————————-
To: “Jimmy Hoffa”
From: “your name”

Sure, lunch next week sounds good. But I don’t want to go back to that Italian place. I’m all for dim lighting, but I swear I couldn’t see my fork.

How about Chinese?
———————————————————————

To: “Dr. Frankenstein”
From: “your name”

I understand that you’re busy with your experiments. Really, I do. But that’s no excuse for not returning my phone calls. I have many important things to discuss.

———————————————————————-

Of course, as a last resort, you could create a password for your Outlook account. But that should be your last resort.

I hope I’ve been some help to you, Snooped. If not, please write a letter of complaint.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Ask Lutz to the rescue.

Dear Lisa,

Mousy in Massachusetts

***

Dear Mousy,

Some people brag too much. And other people find those people really annoying and think I do not want to be like that at all and just to make sure they do not accidentally slip up and toss themselves a compliment, they become painfully humble. I think this is understandable. There is something vaguely disconcerting about people who constantly sing their own praises. And I am not talking about the Muhammed Ali, over the top, rhyming arrogance. I like that. I am talking about the folk who tend to subtly slip into conversation a quote from their most recent admirer, or the kind that give you their Curriculum Vitae within a few minutes of introduction, or the sort of person that has to out-do you even when you are talking about a head injury. Some people (and I think this might be you) are acutely aware of the fact that if you know you are good at something, then you have nothing to prove. Unfortunately, we live in a world where proving yourself often has nothing to do with real qualifications, but your perceived qualifications based on social interactions. So, Mousy, it is time to shake things up.

I want you to think of an individual that you like a lot who happens to have a strong ego and does not mind showing it. Then spend one day a week trying to act like said individual. For starters, it might be a good idea to NOT go on a job interview during that day, until you have gotten the hang of it. But other official business could be alright, like the DMV, traffic school, or jury duty. Take me for example. When I want to shake myself out of a shyness rut, I like to think about George Foreman. No, I don’t try to sell people grills or anything and I don’t eat lots of corn chips, but I do try to invoke the essence of Foreman. (I don’t invoke the essence of Ali because I can’t rhyme.) So, I wake up in the morning and the first thing I say is, "I’m so unbelievably fantastic, it’s unbearable." And occasionally I will announce to people that I am an expert on a subject that I’m not an expert on. Or I’ll mention how good I am at something, whether I’m actually good at it or not. I’ll be really friendly and talk to strangers as if I’m a celebrity. And maybe sign an autograph or two.

Why pick Foreman? you might be asking and perhaps you are asking other questions, as well. I am not a boxing fan, but I’ve always like George Foreman. Did you know that he has five sons and he named all of them George? Yes, George Jr., George III, George IV and George V and George VI. Sometimes I like people just because they do funny stuff like that. And If I ever invent a product, I will do everything in my power to have Foreman promote it. I recall once watching an interview with him that was supposed to be about his upcoming fight and all he would do was talk about buying his grill. There are other copy cat grills out there, but you will usually find them on the Home Shopping Network, being promoted by a blonde with too much hairspray, way too much energy and not an ounce of that Foreman charm.

Okay, back to my point. Confidence, or the appearance thereof, can manifest itself in many ways and it is my theory that if once a week you go over the top, brimming with ridiculous, excessive confidence, then perhaps a more natural, relaxed confidence might ease its way into your personality. I suggest using an overconfident role model, but it is up to you. You can use George, if you like. I don’t mind. Now maybe my advice might seem a bit unorthodox, but please give it a try. I found a horrible website called www.unstoppable-confidence.com. They’re trying to sell you a book with a man on the cover who looks like a complete idiot and the only reason I provide this link is to show you what other confidence boosting options are out there. But I’d be willing to bet some serious money in Vegas that if you check out that sight, you’ll be running back to the Foreman Method in no time. Give it a try. What have you got to lose?

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Seeking

***

Dear Seeking,

Are you asking me to tell you what religion to pick after countless years of a godless existence? Dream on. I can’t do that for a number of reasons: a) although I am an expert on a lot of things, religion is not one of them; b) I am concerned about getting hate mail—I pick one religion for you and the others get mad; c) I am concerned about getting hate mail from your mom—she’s the one that wants you to have religion in the first place and if I pick a faith that she didn’t have in mind, she might not like that; d) religion is a very personal issue and should be decided by the individual without undue influence from others.

What I really want to know, Seeking, is why your mom wishes she raised you with more religion. I mean, is there something wrong with you? Because it sounds like your mom thinks that if you had religion in your life, somehow you might have turned out better. And I’m not saying that you didn’t turn out great or anything. I only have a letter to go by and it doesn’t give me a whole lot to work with. I think the monkey question is out of left field and perhaps a bit insincere and off topic. Other than that I’m sure you’re a peach. But from a Mom’s perspective, something didn’t go as planned. Am I making sense? Like, do you shoplift? Have you been convicted of a felony? Do you have a gambling problem (and I’m not talking about a friendly wager now and again)? Are you excessively tattooed or pierced? Do you talk with your mouth full of potato chips? Do you talk like someone in a Mamet film? Do you routinely spit on the sidewalk?

Personally, I don’t think any of the above examples are criminal, except the felony and shoplifting and I don’t like it when people talk with their mouths full or spit on the sidewalk, especially if I’m right behind them and they’re sort of spitting backwards and I have to jump out of the way. However, some parents might mistakenly assume that more order and discipline, and perhaps the fear of god, might influence their child to be a slightly more upstanding sort, if you know what I mean. But all this speculation could lead to a bunch of nonsense and it might be simpler to just ask your mom what the hell she meant with that comment. Be prepared for the response to be potentially insulting. What I’m saying, Seeking, is this: Just because your mom wishes she raised you with more religion, doesn’t mean you need religion. But if you think you need religion, then you should get some religion.

I don’t think you should get a monkey. I have been kind enough to link a picture of a monkey above and you can name it if you like. And if the picture isn’t enough for you, you can make your own sock monkey by going to the How to Make a Sock Monkey Web Page. That’s all I can do for you now. But I thank you for your fine question.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Pathetic in Chicago

***

Dear Pathetic,

Yeah, you sure do have problems. Cat problems and man problems and lucky for you those are two of my specialties. Let’s start with the cats. Cats don’t have nine lives–I thought everybody knew that. So if you toss your cats out of a three story window, I’m not so sure they’ll make it. And if they do, they’ll probably never forgive you. If there is any real danger of you playing Frisbee with said cats, I’d be willing to take them off your hands. Just ship them out to me in California. When I say ship, I mean put them in a cat cage with some food and buy them a ticket on an airplane and make sure the airport personnel understand that a cat is on board. I’m not talking about a brown box and UPS. However, I’m more in the market for a ferret these days. It turns out that ferrets are illegal in California, so now I have to start writing lots of letters to my congressman to solve that problem. Or, I could just break the law. That might be kind of invigorating.

Back to my point: please don’t throw your cats out the window. If you don’t like cats, why do you have two of them? Me, I like cats. And yet I have no cats. Perhaps you have a long, complicated story, involving mistaken identity, a man in a trench coat, a ransom note and a mysterious key to explain your unwanted cats. I’d like to hear that story.

Let me see if I got this straight. Your boyfriend breaks up with you, you run off to Chicago, marry an Italian man and two years later you and Italian man are divorcing and now you’re telephone harassing your new beau. Hmmm. I’m all for marrying Italian men, but it’s usually not wise to wed someone to get over a break up with someone else. But let’s not focus on the negative. Two years is pretty good. I’ve heard of people lasting only a year and a half, six months, even just a fortnight (friends, lets get this word back in circulation). So, well done and next time you’ll do better.

My advice to you is this: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT MARRY ANYONE IN THE NEAR FUTURE! (and I’m talking way more than a fortnight) and STOP CALLING THE NEW GUY! I don’t care how incredible he is. Put down the phone! Phones are no good anyway. They give off low doses of radiation which very well may give you a brain tumor if you abuse them. Or you could get a repetitive stress injury in your neck. My friend Julie uses a headset to avoid this very problem and so she can clean her house or cook dinner while she’s talking to you. But I don’t think you should get a headset because that would encourage your phone use and they are kind of silly to wear at home.

You say you are afraid to be alone, but that is exactly what you need. That means no boyfriend, no dating, no getting engaged and no getting married. For how long you might ask? Well, in terms of etiquette, I do think it’s polite to wait until the divorce is final to start dating again. But you could go a little longer. There are many perks to being by yourself: Less laundry; full control of the remote; makes being a professional spy easier; no snoring (unless you snore, that is); no one demanding that you to bathe the ferret; and no one to break up with or divorce. To wrap up: Don’t throw your cats out the window, don’t get married, and stay off the damn phone. In that order, please.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Concerned in the Castro

***

Dear Concerned,

Are you sure you have a cat? I have attached a picture of one, so you can double check. I am not a veterinarian, but I feel confident in saying your cat is out of control. Should you be concerned? Hell, yes! Should you be doing something differently? Frankly, I’m afraid it might be too late. However, I am going to answer your question anyway, in the hopes that there are others out there we can help by using your unfortunate case as an example.

Let me begin by saying, a cat is a pet, often a welcomed addition to your home, perhaps even a member of your family. But a cat does not check off the “head of household” box on its W-4 form and list you as a tax deduction. Cats, like dogs, and other animals are creatures of habit and if you have unduly encouraged your cat in any of the above mentioned areas, then you yourself are responsible for this tap drinking, bedtime bossing, pseudo-stalking feline with whom you reside. And when I say encourage, that can simply mean not discourage properly. I’d like to reiterate that I am NOT a veterinarian, however, I do have some suggestions that might help you with your problem.

Although I’ve never had a cat follow me around my own home, on the rare occasions when I’ve had people follow me around, I put my foot down right away. Usually, I start by reasoning with the person: “If you don’t stop following me around, I’m gonna rip off both your legs and beat you over the head with them.” If reasoning doesn’t work, I find spritzing person with a water bottle, tends to do the trick. But, Concerned, you never did say whether this following business actually bothered you or not. If you don’t care that you’ve got some out of control, co-dependent cat watching your every move, who am I to judge?

Let’s move on. Now you say that your cat will only drink from a running tap. That is certainly unhealthy and wasteful. Have you ever explained to your cat that water is limited resource and must be conserved? I gather not. Your cat has to quit the tap cold turkey. Turn off all faucets. Fill the cat bowl with fresh, bottled water. Throw in a lemon wedge to make drinking from the bowl (which is just fine for millions of cats around the globe) more enticing. If you find that your cat continues its water strike, you might have to invest in one those hamster bottles, which resemble a tap, but are far less wasteful and made for an animal, so that your cat knows its place. But, Concerned, I am still a bit fuzzy on how your cat learned to drink in this manner to begin with. Is this how you consume water in your own home? Perhaps if you started using a glass, your cat’s table manners—so to speak—would improve as well.

As we all know, cats are notorious for sleeping excessively. But recent studies have suggested that humans are not getting nearly enough sleep. (Apparently, we need about 14 hours a day.) So, I say, if your cat is encouraging a healthy habit, I can’t find fault with that.

Sweet dreams and please Ask Lutz again if you got any more problems.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Distressed in San Francisco

***

Dear Distressed,

If I had ten bucks for every time somebody told me they were lactose intolerant, I could join the high rollers table in Vegas and lose some serious money. Hmmm. You know what? I think I’m going to start charging people for telling me that they are lactose intolerant. Ten dollars does seem a bit steep, so I’ll make it five. But that’s five a pop, not five per person. So, if you tell me you’re lactose intolerant two times in a conversation, that’s ten dollars and no future conversation is exempt from the lactose intolerant surcharge. Please remember this in the future because I’ve decided not to provide a grace period. And make sure you carry small bills on you, because I don’t like giving change.

You may be wondering why I am so hostile against people who give me the lactose intolerant sob story. Well, I’ll tell you: The number of people who are in fact L.I. (lactose intolerant, for those slow on the uptake) is fractional compared to the number of people who claim to be. Forgive me, but I find this annoying. Imagine if every Tom, Dick, and Harry started claiming they had the Bubonic Plague. That is not fair to the people who actually have the plague. Since I don’t know you, I hardly think it’s proper for me to accuse you of being a liar, so I’m NOT going to say that you’re lying about being L.I. But in general, I’m against non-doctors self-diagnosing. I mean, the number of times I self-diagnosed a brain tumor is positively unreal. (Please note: I do not have nor have ever had a brain tumor.)

Unfortunately, I feel obligated to offer you more information on Lactose Intolerance. Here’s a Lactose Intolerant Website* that I located, but the fact is, I think the Internet is not a good place for the hypochondriacs. And I would prefer you did NOT look at this website. But if you insist on doing some amateur research and believing that you are, in fact, lactose intolerant, please eventually consult an allergist or a gastroenterologist to confirm. I am neither of these, for the record.

Distressed, if cheese doesn’t agree with you, stay away from it. That’s the soundest advice I can give. I mean, what do you want from me, really? Is it that you love cheese so much, but desperately want to avoid it and find yourself so powerfully drawn to this aged dairy product that you are virtually helpless? If that is the case, you must condition yourself to dislike cheese. Here are some behavioral modification techniques: Have a friend pinch you really, really, really hard while you’re eating a slice of brie; dress up a block of sharp cheddar as your sworn enemy and discuss some of your issues with it—its silence will infuriate you; eat cheese only with chopped liver; organize a cheese exorcism; and if all else fails, there’s probably a 12 step program out there.

Lastly, I think it’s important to mention that Biz Stone, Genius is a vegan and we don’t really recommend cheese or chopped liver. Why don’t you check out How to make a Vegan Delux Pizza [no longer online, sorry] which involves no cheese at all, but lots of other stuff. I personally have had the pleasure of dining at Genius Labs (where dairy products are not consumed) and not once did Biz or Livia complain to me about being lactose intolerant and, I must say, they are richer for that. Approximately ten dollars richer.

I hope I have been some help to you, Distressed. Please Ask Lutz again if you get over the cheese problem and got something new to talk about.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

*You may have trouble linking to this site. But I think that’s for the best.

Man trouble or Over-analyzing Girlfriend?

***

Dear Man Trouble, etc.,

Occasionally I like to make a friendly wager and judging from the length of your letter, I’d be willing to take $50 bucks on you being an over-analyzer. But after last Sunday’s 10 words or less heartbreaker, I welcome the thoroughness of your question. And although I do accuse you of over-analyzing, I also think that you have brought up some very interesting and important issues.

In general, I’m all for the opposites attract rule of coupling. For example, imagine if you were to hook up with someone just like yourself: two people not drinking beer, bathing ferrets all the time, and mopping the floor while they concoct a whole bunch of household rules. And if your boyfriend were to mate with his own kind, you’d have some joint swimming with empty beer cans, un-bathed ferrets running amok, and some drunk guy watching the tube 24/7. So let’s begin by saying how grateful you two should be that you found each other. But you don’t need me to tell you that.

As I understand it, your concern is for the future children. Differences in child rearing techniques are the source of quite a bit of conflict within families and the main problem in resolving such conflict is that it is impossible to determine who is right. So, here’s what you got to do: Have two kids. You pick one kid to raise. Your boyfriend picks the other—flip a coin or draw straws if you both want the same one. You each raise chosen child and see which one turns out best and then you’ll know which parenting method is superior. I’m pretty sure this idea will work, but I have a suspicion you won’t go for it.

You say your boyfriend’s parents let him drink at home, so long as he replaced the booze—well, that is definitely teaching responsibility: You drink it; you replace it. If they just let him empty out the liquor cabinet with reckless abandon, then that would be another story. As far as the under aged drinking issue is concerned, you don’t specify the age that your boyfriend was allowed to drink. Personally, I don’t think toddlers should be drinking, whether they replace the liquor or not. But, there is something to be said about knowing what your kids are up to. And, if they feel comfortable enough around you to do whatever they might do amongst their friends, you will probably have fewer surprises down the road.

But the most important thing to remember is that you like your boyfriend, right? And he wouldn’t be like he is unless he was raised like he was. Keep in mind that most people learn parenting as they go along and they adjust their methods depending on how successful or unsuccessful those methods are. So, you could try letting the kids drink at home, teaching them to learn their limits and see how it goes—but, once again, I must insist not the toddlers.

And I do understand your concern that your boyfriend’s child caring methods might mirror his ferret neglect, but most people make excellent distinctions between animals and children and I doubt you should be very concerned. For example, when you have kids, you’ll probably bathe them more than once every three weeks, right? Speaking of ferret bathing, I did a little research because every three weeks seemed like a bit much. And it looks like you cut back to once a month. Please check out Grooming your Ferret, but be careful (if you are not presently a ferret owner) because it will make you want a ferret. (See how cute they are?).

The last suggestions I have are a) you should maybe sit on your ass and drink beer more and b) don’t do all the housework—let it go for a little while and see what happens. Your boyfriend might surprise you. If the kitchen floor and the ferret are always clean, why would you bother to re-clean them? Perhaps if you waited one more day—maybe a week, he would get the job done.

I hope I have been some help, dear reader, but frankly I have no idea whether I’ve answered any of your questions or not. Please feel free to write again if I have, in fact, been useless.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Anonymous

***

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your fine question and your brevity. Most sound advice on this topic will tell you to be direct, but polite, and to choose your words carefully when responding to an eager suitor. For example, you could say, “I’m flattered that you find me irresistible, but unfortunately, I cannot reciprocate at this time” or “I do think you’re swell and show excellent taste, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

A more aggressive approach will produce faster results. Try interrupting your suitor in mid-sentence with “It’ll never work!” or give ‘em a wink and say, “Sorry, babe. Not interested.” Or my favorite is the incredulous look accompanied by “Dream on!”

But you know what I think, Anonymous? If you had the guts to say any of the above, you wouldn’t be writing to me. Forgive me, but I think you’re looking for a more cowardly approach. You want to know how to reject this individual without yielding hostility, without feeling uncomfortable, without them even knowing they’ve been rejected. Am I right? (And please write to me and tell me if I’m wrong—I’ll never learn otherwise. But I am going continue on the assumption that I am right, or I’ll have to end this right here and that’s no good.)

Anonymous, as much as I respect people who don’t mince words, your reticence gives me little to work with. Frankly, if I had a few more details on the situation—i.e. suitor’s mental state, level of eagerness, bingo player or not, I could create a more tailored response. Unfortunately, under these harsh circumstances, I can only provide a survey of methods to thwart your pursuer.

Let’s start with the easy stuff. If your suitor works with you, you’ve got an easy out: “I’m sorry I make it a rule to never get involved with co-workers.” If your suitor was previously married to a close friend or relative, “I’m afraid our dating would be highly inappropriate.” If suitor collects stamps, casually mention that you wish the post office would do away with them altogether. If suitor is an avid swimmer, express an unnatural distaste for water. If suitor is a teetotaler, start hitting the booze. . . . . .I could go on for days. Seriously.

You could try a more evasive approach. Suitor approaches, you ask for the time, and when you get the time, say, “You got to be kidding” and race off. Always be continually on the way to someplace else. It would help if you actually had someplace else to go. Or occasionally ask suitor, “what’s you’re name again” or call suitor by wrong name. I find it’s easier to be rejected by someone who appears to not know who you are.

Rejection hurts. If you want to avoid inflicting any pain whatsoever, your only real option is to make suitor reject you. How on earth could I do that? you might ask. Here are some ideas: You could begin a vicious rumor about yourself—but keep in mind that some people are attracted to a dark past. You could start seriously disregarding your table manners. How about you just let yourself go? If you don’t wash your hair for three to five days, who’s it gonna hurt? (In good conscience, I cannot recommend any longer). Start flossing in public–your suitor will reject you and your gums will thank you. And lastly, start catching up on your sleep—i.e. whenever suitor is around, conveniently nod off. It’s hard to maintain affection for a person who is consistently out cold.

Anonymous, I hope I have been some help to you in this matter.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

Heartbroken down south

***

Dear Heartbroken,

Some people out there who will tell you that the secret to getting over a difficult break up is time. Time heals all wounds . .blah, blah, blah. These are the same folks who will advise you that there are other fish in the sea. Please! Unless you’re a world traveler, you can kiss 95% of that sea goodbye. And then when you weed out individuals based on age, gender, general interests and whether they play bingo or not, suddenly all you’ve got is a fish tank and depending on where you live, some of those fish are bottom dwellers.

Most people aren’t interested in aphorisms—they want methods—the tried and true ways that we get over things. There’s no sure fire way, but the possibilites are endless: You could drink lots of whisky and listen to Willie Nelson. Or stay in bed, watch old movies and eat cookies. You could take up a new hobby to distract yourself, like illegal gambling. There’s no rush like the potential loss of hard earned cash. Some people like to clean—vacuuming is better than toilet scrubbing in terms of curing depression. My friend, Taylor (not her real name), likes to find someone new and get married. Others like to remove all items that remind of them of their once beloved and some like to write letters or perform strange rituals with candles and voodoo dolls. If you are into the dark arts, remember, you should never leave flames unattended.

But, Heartbroken, I’m not even sure that any of this applies to you. You say you’re not in love with you ex-girlfriend anymore, but you had this moment—what seemed like a moment of clarity when you thought she was the one. And you hate the idea that you were so very clear at that moment and yet so wrong. Am I right? Let me tell you a little story:

When I was a child, I loved condiments in general. Mustard was probably my favorite and I’m talking all kinds of mustard. Ketchup was a distant runner up and, in essence, I thought of most foods as vehicles for condiments. But if you put mayonnaise on my sandwich that would be the last time you made that mistake. Thousand island dressing? Don’t insult me. Traditional tuna fish salad? Wanna step outside? I said it all the time: I hate mayonnaise–always with a kind of Dirty Harry delivery. Hating the sandwich spread was simply part of my personality, my M.O.

And then it happened innocently enough. I was hungry, low on funds and a co-worker offered me half a tuna melt sandwich. I didn’t want to like it, but I did. And slowly mayonnaise eased its way into my life. I kept it a secret from friends for months, maybe years. But then I just had to accept the fact that I had changed. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never do a commercial for Best Foods. But just because my sworn enemy was no longer my enemy doesn’t make me a liar. And just because I made one blanket statement that turned out to be false doesn’t make all my statements false. Keep in mind that what you said was true at the moment. Even if it were only for an hour of your life, in that hour she was the girl for you. And how dull and predictable would we be if all of our moments of clarity were right on target? If there is a secret to moving on, it’s accepting that the plans we have in our heads are subject to change. Who knows? I might start hating mayonnaise again.

Best Wishes,

Lisa