As you may know, Lisa recently moved to a remote location. I’m not at liberty to disclose her exact whereabouts, but I can confirm that the transition to rural living has been difficult, and categorically deny the witness-protection rumor. I can also pass along what little communication I’ve received from her. Suffice it to say that her bucolic new lifestyle has come with some technological limitations.

On April 22 I received the following fax, written in dirt or blood:

“Day 9. Could you look up what color those berries were in Into the Wild? Green, right?”

Several days later a remarkably hardy carrier pigeon arrived on my windowsill, bearing a more encouraging message:

“The raccoons have named me their queen. Ugh, more responsibilities.”

I'm glad to report that Lisa has apparently since found her way to civilization. Yesterday I received a brief telegram:

“SURVIVING ON SALTINES AND RAINWATER STOP CANT BELIEVE TELEGRAMS STILL EXIST STOP THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST OPPTY FOR CHEAP JOKES STOP”

At this rate, Lisa should be able to establish a telephone connection sometime this fall and dial-up Internet by early 2013. All of which is to say you might not hear much from her for a while. And since she can’t really promote her Spellman books by smoke signal,* let me take this opportunity to recommend the newly released paperback of our book, Heads You Lose, instead.

David Hayward

* Mysteriously, she’s still able to tweet.

With my tour approaching fast, I wanted to address a trend I’ve noticed in recent years. Not too long ago, I showed up for a book signing at one of my favorite stores. The booksellers informed me that a group of women had arrived with copies of my book that they’d bought elsewhere and wanted me to sign. It was clear that they had no intention of making any purchases at the store that was hosting the event. While I can’t say for sure, I think it’s safe to assume that the books were likely purchased at a steep discount from another bookseller (maybe a certain online bookseller).

I absolutely understand that the economy is tight and spending money on a hardcover book is a luxury. And believe me, I appreciate every purchase of my books. But I would like to ask anyone coming to a reading to consider the host of the event. This year’s tour will be taking place almost entirely at independent bookstores. The fact that they’re some of the best-run shops in the country doesn’t change the fact that most of them are just scraping by.

If your budget won’t allow, I totally understand. Many people at readings have checked the book out of the library, have come just for the talk, or simply want a chance to shake hands with the screenwriting genius behind Plan B. But when you bring in a book bought from the competition, it may not sit well with the store that has gone to the trouble and expense of hosting the reading and signing. If you can’t purchase my book, perhaps there’s another novel you’ve had your eye on. Or even a book of poetry, if that’s your thing. I don’t judge (heh).

In any case, please don’t cart in a stack of books bought elsewhere. The hope of the bookseller is that the signing will pay for itself. If it doesn’t, they have less incentive to host authors, especially new ones. More importantly, it hurts their bottom line. I think it’s worth pointing out that the bookstore where the awkward situation happened has since gone out of business.

That said, I’ll sign anything: casts, food items, relatives, imaginary pets, maybe even a legal document, if you catch me in the right mood. So if you have to buy the book elsewhere and you need me to sign it, maybe you can chase me down in the parking lot. I always have a pen on me.

Hello. It's been more than a month since my last post, which means I'm either A) really lazy, B) really busy, C) extremely forgetful or D) all of the above. (The correct answer: D.)

Recently I had to write something about book clubs for my publisher and I had the genius idea to recycle it here until I could come up with something more substantive. But, first, please allow me to offer a few excuses for my blog neglect. In fact, one of these days I should do a whole post on excuses, because I really like them.

Excuse #1: I've been living out of a suitcase for a month on a speedy house-hunt. Excuse #2: I'm trying to finish a book by a March 1st deadline. Excuse #3: Did I mention I'm writing a whole book? Excuse #4: I think I need reading glasses and it's slowing me down.

Back to book clubs. If you've perused my site, you might notice that, schedule permitting, I'm happy to phone into book clubs and answer whatever questions you might have (details here)—or just to eavesdrop on some trash talk. But I should confess that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of a book club.

If I were, I would probably be that person who never read the book and showed up just for the food and drink. If you're like me, might I recommend the book How to Talk About Books You Haven't Read by Pierre Bayard. That will give you some smart ways to navigate the book club experience.

Until you have a chance to read that book, I've assembled some handy phrases to get the unprepared member of a book club through her next meeting:

"I wasn't feeling the ending."
"What's-her-name kind of annoyed me."
"It was a masterpiece, I thought."
"Pass the chips."
"The dip is amazing."
"I agree with what Suzie¹ said."
"[insert name of book] will stay with me a long time. "
"Word."
"The first rule of book club is that there is no book club."

Remember, there's nothing worse than a book club meeting without drinks. Here's my recipe for Magic Punch:

1 part vodka
1 part soda water
1 part limeade
1 package Lifesavers (red/green are excellent for the holidays)

Footnote:

1. Make sure someone named Suzie is in book club.

Welcome to my new website. I've been swamped with a deadline and other nonsense, but I wanted to set a precedent for regular blogs posts. So, against my better judgment, I asked my previous co-author, David Hayward to write the opening blog. It would seem that Dave is still bitter about our previous collaboration and maybe the fact that I managed to finish a whole book in the interim (and hard at work on my next) while he's still toiling away on The Mellman Files.

I hope to maintain consistency with this new blog and may at times invite guest bloggers to do so. But, rest assured, this is the last passive-aggressive nonsense we'll see from Dave.

Yours truly,
Lisa Lutz

Lisa's busy disciplining her staff of servants, so she paid me to write the first blog post on this site, which I guess is supposed to promote her side project The Spilton Files, a series of comedic mystery novels about a family of private investigators. I hear the books are all set in Hawaii. Real original, Lisa. Hello, Magnum P.I.?

If you're the kind of person who likes to spend time on book websites, and you apparently are, I have one question for you: Why this one? Why not a site about a book whose authors cared enough to post their own content, rather than farm it out to other writers? The Heads You Lose website is one such example, chosen at random. It also features lively debate and even a disturbing morning-TV video. Also, the book itself actually has a mystery in it, which I'm told is a real plus for some mystery fans.

Unfortunately, the paperback of Heads You Lose won't be out until April 2012. To kill time before then, I guess you could do worse than to check out the Spingmans and their zany exploits. Aloha means hilarity!

David Hayward